How I feel ......

Ahhh dear sister, sometimes i dont understand myself, i try to fight my fears

and my sorrows, but i now realize it will be hard to fight them back , and sometimes i just .....want quit everything , and myself...maybe im not making sence , but thats is how i feel,

i tried many time to give up on my life , but somehow you changed me for better

beeing your friend ........is a blessing ....for a person that only had 4 friends, i just.....wished to strong like you ...call me crazy but its true , its like if i needed help before i meet you , and inside of me i scream for help , but no one could help me like hugo and cristina and you helped me , trough this game i gain a good friend that i trust the most now , i was once a person that couldnt trust on ppl , i was cold and selfish , but now im changed and i want to continue live every day more and more than anything else ....

"Time "

Time heals all pain

Time can bring you loss or gain

Time waits for none it seems

Time gives me time to heal

Time washes away the old

Time reveals things untold

Time can also cleans the soul

Time is all we need

Time can age you, make you or break you

Time can stand still

Time can flyTime is inevitable for you and for me .

I'm tired...

Not so tired that I can't accompany my sister-in-arms in our day together, but because life for me had changed so much in a day that even I cannot believe my good fortune.

A simple change in how I viewed others enabled me to enjoy and be fully productive in this day of work in pioneering support. I know not what or where the changes were, but simply accepting criticism and challenges, justifying use of one's authority with results, and then sharing one's fruits of success with others allowed me to make many friends recently as opposed to my seemingly unchangable lone wolf stature.

In the past I could use authority as a weapon and successfully instruct others in my methods, but I lacked respect from society for being cold and reserved especially when they attempt to communicate with me. The result is a one-way flow of information which severely stunts the potential of individuals and organisations alike.

Just staying calm when challenged, and responding to it with lively wit and appropriate response suddenly makes me a good example to everyone; so is not making assumptions of others and stereotyping them based on some bad experiences in the past. Now I understand why leaders should be impartial. And first impressions are important - my innocent-eyed curious responses to strangers' first meetings today just about shocked them senseless because they expected just the opposite from one such as myself! Even if I will not partake in anything more than a professional working relationship with them it makes a huge difference if I appeared that I was willing to listen to what they have to say.

To cut the long story short I'm worried that I have to start dividing my attention between several parties; just now for instance I was teaching some of my staff how to ride - my past mounted despatch assignments deep into unfamiliar native territory has finally attracted desirable attention!

But I promise this sister, that even if I have to split my priorities, in our time together it shall be you and only you on my mind. After all, it is only fair, that if I hate being the target of halfhearted attention (as the other party doesn't know how to manage multiple conversations), that I devise countermeasures for such problems before they even think of raising their ugly heads. I'm not a part-time mentor, Carmen, and I learn as much from you as what I bestow upon your fine self.

I will just say that it took years to be able to write such a letter rebuilding my life after my coma.

p.s. Sivarja's surviving Cesario veterans Adelina and Florence will be arriving in Illier later today. We must be doing something good and proper here, for them to pick Illier instead of their dreamland Orpesia, as their retirement home! Although the two ladies were shifted to the rear lines a long time ago as administrative officers to preserve their knowledge for training new cadres of military pioneers, Florence remains our family's fencing master and should be able to boost our dueling capabilities significantly.

Rosa this is for you my Dear ...

"In Her Eyes"

She stares through my shadow

She sees something more

Believes there's a light in me

She is sure

And her truth makes me stronger

Does she realize

I awake every morning

With her strength by my side

I am not a hero

I am not an angel

I am just a manMan who's trying to love her

Unlike any other

In her eyes I am

This world keeps on spinning

Only she stills my heart

She's my inspiration

She's my northern star

I don't count my possession

All I call mine

I will give her completely

To the end of all time

I am not a hero

I am not an angel

I am just a manMan

who's trying to love her

Unlike any otherIn her eyes I am

In her eyes I see the sky and all I'll ever need

In her eyes time passes by and she is with me

I am not a hero

I am not an angel

I am just a manMan who's trying to love her

Unlike any other

In her eyes I am

In her eyes I am

______________________With Love Vanir _______________________

Hand of Sorrow

Dear Carmen,

This is for you and Fai. Meaningful versus for our clan's past, and Fai's as well. And it was good to fight by your side again in today's patrol mission to Porto Bello. I could not have handled that foul place alone.

Long ago he was but a slave trader on the Cesarian coast who fell victim to our anti-slaver patrols and Florence Sivarja out of rage for human immorality just about enslaved him in turn. Fairuz would prove to be a capable mercenary under our service and proved himself a trustworthy soldier many times yet we never made any effort to forgive his past and saw him as less than human.

For 5 years he endured this torture alone never uttering a single word of complaint, then when our families met Vanda Shenmui befriended him out of pity. I was very angry, to tell the truth, my man being spirited away like that, never will he be loyal to me again, I tried to separate them both but they just found more ways to evade my security to the point that he almost never slept and gradually became inept in his duties.

I should have just let him go then, but I insisted on putting even more artificial pressure and something just came alive in him; we fought and I came out the loser and well, I had to let him do what he wanted.

I don't mind speaking for myself as the villianess here, for I am too young to hold a post of leadership. Yet circumstances demanded it so I had to put up a strong front and just go ahead and dare to play my role for there is no other who can lead our clan in Illier; to build a new world for ourselves out of the ruins of the old.

Imperfect as I am, I learn... and I have to give credit to you, Carmen, for guiding me on the right paths.

So.. heres a dedicaton in thanks to you and Fairuz. And also the Los Condenados frontier infantry unit - 28 our of 30 military families simply perished in service to the Crown in the Cesario campaign.

And I admit we left many good friends out on the vine to die - Falencia, Ithlandos, many others. I killed them all. Didn't I Carmen... I'm no better than those we fight against.

-Rosa

--------------

Hand of Sorrow

Within Temptation

The child without a name grew up to be the hand

To watch you, to shield you or kill on demand

The choice he´d made he could not comprehend

His blood a grim secret they had to command

He´s torn between his honor and the true love of his life

He prayed for both but was denied

So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed

Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind?

So many years have past, who are the noble and the wise?

Will all our sins be justified?

The curse of his powers tormented his life

Obeying the crown was a sinister price

His soul was tortured by love and by pain

He surely would flee but the oath made him stay

He´s torn between his honor and the true love of his life

He prayed for both but was denied

So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed

Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind?

So many years have past, who are the noble and the wise?

Will all our sins be justified?

Please forgive me for the sorrow, for leaving you in fear

For the dreams we had to silence, that´s all they´ll ever be

Still I´ll be the hand that serves you

Though you´ll not see that it is me

So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed

Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind?

So many years have past, who are the noble and the wise?

Will all our sins be justified?

"A Song For Fai "

My dear Fai

this is a song for you

it means so much

i hope u like it =)

"There For Me"

There for me, every time I've been away

Will you be there for me, thinking of me everyday

Are you my destiny, words I never dared to say

Will you be there for me?

Just think of you and me, we could never tow the line

It's such a mystery just to hear you say you're mine

And while you're close to me, so close to me

Just hold me

When you're feeling cold and all the city streets are grey

Walking all alone and watching how the children play

Voices in the wind and faces from the past go dancing by

They're asking why

Will you be there for me, everytime I go away

Will you be there for me, thinking of me everyday

Are you my destiny, words I never dared to say

Will you be there for me?

And while you're close to me, so close to me

Just hold me

Can you really want me more than for a little while?

What are the stories hiding there behind your smile?

Wishes in a dream and figures in a world that I could share

And everywhere

Will you be there for me

Will there ever come a day when all the world can see

Things were meant to be that way

Will you be there for me?

Can you hear the people say

That you're just

There for me

There for me

There for me ....

Yes Fai ! I want to be there for you as long as you want to ..

How are you?

Dear Carmen,

How are you doing? You have not written to us in a while and we get more worried day by day. Your junior family members spend their break times at the docks waiting for your return. I know I am anxious myself, but trust that my sister is a competent professional who is trying her best to return to us.

Thus far things are going well in the home front with the training of your new recruits, especially Peter who is rapidly becoming a younger version of Fairuz; he is a very powerful fighter already. The rest I unfortunately had not the privledge to observe their development for I was called up to do extended service with the Office of P.S. after one of our logistics management teams (really its more convoy security than logistics management) went missing along the Midnight Express overland route from Reboldeux to Porto Coimbra. And in short order we rode out with a platoon of light cavalry to go search for them.

So I did see the ruins of Al Quelt Moreza again after so many years; wildlife inflicted with Dios Lantem's curse still roam about the countryside but never in the horrid numbers encountered by the founders of Los Condenados. Squads of novice pioneers effectively keep those overgrown rabid animals at bay far from the convoy routes and at the same time deter thieves and brigands; our despatch team couldn't have been lost in this region so we proceeded north towards the Cathari Falls and the King's Garden after spending the night in one of Al Quelt's deserted vaults long since cleared of undead infestations.

p.s.
I might as well break the news to you now. I'm now an officer of pioneering support, and I couldn't have done it without you, sister!

p.s.s.
Fairuz misses Vanda dearly and wrote this poem:

When I'm lonely

I lay on the field so grassy

And look into the heavens

And there see I you

The white cloud of my heart

As you can see he is very bored.

We pray for your safety Carmen. Be back soon.

Making a Living

Dear Carmen,

Do you think we rely too much on each other? As soon as we finished our weekend together I found I had little in the way of motivation except to complete whatever tasks assigned to my person so I can meet your great family again.

On the other hand I am glad that I have taken the first steps to converting the Sivarjan family from a military to corporate stance, for that will provide us with long term stability and a steady source of income.

I kind of enjoy my work in the office of pioneering support, even if I am the victim of much discrimination and always misunderstood. That's because unlike most of the office's employees, I actually hail from the pioneering profession! Only the senior managers and supervisors accept me as a person; the rest see my knowledge as a threat to their very existence and impose some sort of social isolation on me as though loneliness would break my will. It doesn't, just gives me peace of mind to do whatever I want - including getting rid of certain big-mouthed individuals who prove to be no more than grovelling serfs once I am promoted to the same level.

But it does get distressing. Like today. I went to work, everyone had their partners chatting merrily, I had to manage some logistics arrangements alone after the manager on duty just about went "ROSA DO THIS NOW" then snapped back to chatting the next moment... sigh

After several hours of that I just about got fed up of it all and refused to dine with my colleagues. Especially after some of them asked if anything was wrong at seeing me pack up and go. I ignored them. I wanted them to realise something. I went to sit on this hilltop overlooking the colony, hair flying free in the wind... and that's when my aide literally galloped right up to me and handed me Vanir's poem which almost instantly reversed my fate for this otherwise sad and boring day.

Now I shall wait a few hours for him to return. I pray that he does, every time. This "new" world is a very cruel place. That much I concluded from standing in for your police work in the Tetra Catacombs this dawn as you attend to the Queen's errands. It was an eye opener, to experience the kind of work you do firsthand. I have already despatched the mission report to your family, I hope I did fine.